Dear Jake-
I thought you should know your name came up at our dinner table discussion this evening. Hallie shared with us your inability to keep your lips to yourself. I suppose I should also share with you, although I have never met you, you will forever in my mind be referred to as “Jake the Snake”. I understand you find Hallie irresistible. I don’t blame you, she’s pretty cute if I do say so myself. But she’s also 5 and so are you- and we were not expecting this conversation for at least 5, hoping for 11 years!

What I find even more crazy about the situation is how you went about it. I was expecting to hear it happened on the playground, in some far off corner of the baseball field where there was little supervision. That would make sense. But instead you did it during class. Seriously, that takes some guts. During “centers” time for crying out loud, when you should’ve been listening to “Fox in Socks”!! But of course kissing my daughter wasn’t enough, you then had to proceed to kiss three of her friends. I hate to break the news to you, but girls don’t like that one bit. That could get you a nice slap on the face in a few years if you try that again.

I hope we’re clear that what you did was totally unacceptable for any grade of school, but especially for kindergarten. Hallie has been instructed to let the teacher know what happened and of course I will make sure it is reiterated during conferences in two weeks.

I don’t think you’re a bad kid…you were probably just really curious as to what it would feel like to kiss the cutest girl in school. And now that you know, I hope it never happens again. I hope we meet on better terms some day Jake the Snake.

Sincerely,
A disturbed mother