I know this is shocking to most (sarcasm), I often find myself at the very end of a seemingly short fuse when dealing with day-to-day demands/stress of running a house and raising children. The bowl of cereal gets knocked over, the playroom destroyed, another potty accident, laundry that never ceases, a smashed finger, a piece of furniture scratched, fighting and more fighting. I know I’m not alone.
And although I fully realize that they didn’t mean to spill the cereal but their elbow was clumsy and they tried to get to the bathroom on time but didn’t and they didn’t realize someone was right behind them when they slammed the door and caught their finger, it always adds up and the fuse gets shorter. I hate that I’m short with my children, especially between 4-6pm. I hate that I’m annoyed when clearly it was an accident. I’m working on it. However, I’ve been working on it for a while, yet I still find it a challenge every single day.
I came across this list, from Zenhabits “The Way of the Peaceful Parent” by Lou Babauta and it really resonated with me. For the last week, I’ve taken 3 or 4 of these ideas and implemented them through out my day. I even caught myself a couple times as I started to get snappy and I remembered the habit I was working on. I thought the list was worth sharing.
Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, a loving Good Morning! This is how we would all like to be greeted each day.
Teach your child to make her own breakfast. This starts for most children at around the age of 3 or 4. Teach them progressively to brush their teeth, bathe themselves, clean up their rooms, put away clothes, wash their dishes, make lunch, wash their own clothes, sweep and clean, etc.
Teaching these skills takes patience. Kids suck at them at first, so you have to show them about a hundred times, but let them try it, correct them, and let them make mistakes. They will gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.
Know that when you screw up as a parent, everything will be fine. Forgive yourself. Apologize. Learn from that screw up. In other words, model the behavior you’d like your child to learn whenever he screws up.
Older children can help younger children — it’s good for them to learn responsibility, it helps the younger children learn from the older ones, and it takes some of the stress off you.
Read to them often. It’s a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds.
Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play, often, as play is the essence of childhood. Don’t try to force them to stop playing.
When your child asks for your attention, grant it.
Parents need alone time, though. Set certain traditions so that you’ll have time to work on your own, or have mommy and daddy time in the evening, when your child can do things on her own.
When your child is upset, put yourself in his shoes. Don’t just judge the behavior (yes, crying and screaming isn’t ideal), but the needs behind the behavior. Does he need a hug, or attention, or maybe he’s just tired?
Model the behavior you want your child to learn. Don’t yell at the child because he was screaming. Don’t get angry at a child for losing his temper. Don’t get mad at a kid who wants to play video games all the time if you’re always on your laptop. Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be active.
When a stressful time arises (and it will), learn to deal with it with a smile. Make a joke, turn it into a game, laugh … you’ll teach your child not to take things so seriously, and that life is to be enjoyed. Breathe, walk away if you’ve lost your temper, and come back when you can smile.
Remember that your child is a gift. She won’t be a child for long, and so your time with her is fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a miracle, and you should savor it. Enjoy it to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.
Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together. Read together. Work on a website together. Write a blog together.
Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behavior. There should be boundaries — what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not OK to do things that might harm yourself or others. We should treat each other with kindness and respect. Those aren’t things the child learns immediately, so have patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of freedom.
Give your child some space. Parents too often overschedule their child’s life, with classes and sports and play dates and music and clubs and the like, but it’s a constant source of stress for both child and parent to keep this schedule going. Let the child go outside and play. Free time is necessary. You don’t always have to be by her side either — she needs alone time just as much as you do. Exercise to cope with stress. A run in solitude is a lovely thing. Get a massage now and then.
It helps tremendously to be a parenting team — one parent can take over when the other gets stressed. When one parent starts to lose his temper, the other should be a calming force.
Mom and dad need a date night every week or so. Get a babysitter, or better yet, teach the older kids to babysit.
Sing and dance together.
Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. It’s the best lesson. Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful, unique, crazy child.
Parenting is not easy. I often think to myself, “Am I potentially screwing up my child long term by doing this? Are they going to send me the therapy bills??” The only thing that gives me peace is I’m trying my hardest. I counsel with God on a daily basis and I’m doing the best I know how and I’m always trying to work on my shortcomings. I hope my children realize that.
The best take-away from the list that Lou shares: To start and end the day by sharing your love with your children.