I’m often moved to tears with stories of tragedy of people I don’t know. When it’s someone I do know – it’s so much harder.
I had a friend (the wife of a college friend and co-worker) experience a health emergency last weekend that left her with severe brain damage and in a coma. She was young. Healthy. And absolutely beautiful – inside and out. There was no warning of her failing heart. I learned about it through Facebook and since then my feed has been full of thoughts, memories and prayers for this wonderful family.
Upon hearing of the news, I started to write my friend some words of encouragement. I typed. I deleted. I typed more and deleted more. What could I possibly say that would convey the genuine comfort and I wanted to pour upon him as he sat next to his lifeless wife?
I waited for updates to be posted. We all waited for updates from him. The update I received last night as I was heading to bed was more than I could handle. His update:
I do not have the words to describe all of the feelings and emotions in my heart. But I am overcome by the boundless love and empathy I have felt from family and friends over the last several days. Although I have not found the time or energy to respond to most of you, I have never felt so much love and support in all my life.
There is no easy way to say this, but I will be saying my final goodbye to Cassandra tomorrow. She has battled over the last four days, but ultimately she has suffered debilitating brain damage and will be taken off life support tomorrow.
The best thing to hold on to in this life is each other. This evening I will sleep by Cassandra’s side and hold her with all the love I have; tomorrow and every day after I will hold her love, her beauty, and her memory with every feeling in my heart.
I am feeling a hundred different emotions but am clinging to love; anger for losing Cass so early and envy for losing a life I expected are burdens that are simply too great to bear. I was able to have Cass for 13 incredible, adventurous, and beautiful years. And now she will remain what she has always been: the girl of my dreams.
I crawled into bed next to Steve with tears rolling down my cheeks at the thought of Eric sleeping next to his wife for one last night and I prayed and pleaded for his comfort. He’s got some tough days, weeks, months and perhaps years ahead of him and I pray he finds peace in knowing he will be with her again someday. And I have no doubt Cass will never be too far away from him.
Hold those you love close – life is unexpected.
I'm so sorry about your friend. Really sorry.
Kara, I am so sorry for Eric this will (no matter how strong his faith) such a hard journey.
9 years ago I lost my SO we'd been together 20 years first as friends, both married to other people, then both betrayed by our partners. In time our comforting friendship grew into a deep love and our hurt receded enough to plan our wedding.
I was 19 years younger than my beloved and he joked he could only marry a woman not a girl so we set the date for 17th Feb as I turned 50 in April.
One evening in April he went out to get some milk and unknown to me a treat for me. We'd spent the day planning a family party for my 50th and me teaching him to use my sewing machine as he wanted to make waistcoats for himself and Best Man to wear at our wedding. My darling had a massive epileptic seizure just 3 metres from our home and continued to fit for 90 minutes in the hospital. When I saw him I knew that I needed to let him go. I called his dearest friends to say goodbye and on day 3 his life support was turned off. The Dr.s told me it "would all be over in 20 minutes and he'll never regain conciousness." I sat with my love, I told him all that he meant to me and how much I would miss him. I told him I loved him more than life but now it was his time to let go. I would see him soon. He regained conciousness after 1 hour 55 mins. He smiled told me he loved me always, blew a kiss and quietly, peacefully left."
To this day I miss him, I feel only half a person and I know I will never stop missing him.
What I learnt from this and I pass on to you and others is, our loved ones lived. Yes we may cry when you share precious memories but we cry more when it feels as though our loved ones are forgotten. Sympathy cards can be to overwhelming at the time and need to be dealt with later. This does not mean don't send them, just don't expect acknowledgement soon. Do send some acknowledgement off our loved one 6 months, 12 months, 24 months ect later, we still miss them. The hole in our lives is still there. It only needs to be a small token "Thinking of you especially today" or maybe a memory of time you spent with our lost one. Perhaps a photo we may not have seen.
My one good think to come from my Tony's death is that there was nothing left unsaid, no regrets of I wish I'd said ….. Because whenever we parted for 5 mins to several days we did so as though this might be the last time. So when he collapsed all had been said, our 3 days were a bonus to repeat all he already knew. I try to live each day as though it is my first and last.
With joy and excitement for the newness, the fresh start of a new day, but also making sure my loved ones truly know them selves loved. No angry partings, resolution first. Hope this helps a little.
Thank you for such a heartfelt and personal comment. I'm sorry for your tragic loss but I appreciate you sharing your story. Thank you for your inspired advice about reaching out months from now – when it appears people have forgotten. I'm sure your strength in your trial has been a blessing not only to you but your family and friends. Thanks again for sharing.
I have been so sad about this story as well. I knew the couple from my college roommate. I know the Nelson family. I just wanted to comment here too, because I feel so sad.
She was way too young wasn't she? Life is fragile.
Thanks Kara for your response, I'm caring for my Widowed Brother in law who has dementia (my late twin's husband) my only relative. Sadly this vicious illness often makes me the scapegoat for everything and I was feeling very lost when your message arrived and reminded me that I can still help other people.